Emma Rose · Faith · Life

I’ll Never Stop Searching

Emma Rose Scrapbook

Oh, my darling.

Some days it’s easy to be thankful, to find beauty. But others, I struggle to see beyond the darkness. Today, my heart is heavy. My eyes are swollen. My arms are aching.

You were so pure, so perfect, so innocent. You were strong and stubborn and oh so loved. And I’m so proud of you – all 8.5 inches of you – for growing and fighting and showing me how to love with a mother’s love that exceeds all boundaries, even those that separate us between worlds.

When I close my eyes on nights like these, all of the feelings of helplessness come flooding back as I remember the silence in that hospital room that etched scars into the fabric of my being as you made both your entrance into this world and your exit into the next.

And yet, I remember the moments of beauty. My favorite of moments? We had just found out you were a girl. As I sat folding laundry, windows open on a beautiful, cool April afternoon, I could feel you kicking and rolling and tumbling within me. When I poked you back, you would kick me again. And I sat smiling, with tears flowing in simple gratitude of your precious, beautiful life.

You will haunt me every moment for the rest of my life. I will always wonder the person you would have been. Would you have my nose? Your daddy’s eyes? Would you adorably bite your bottom lip when you were concentrating, just I’ve done my entire life?

Oh, my darling. As I peek into the lifeless bedroom that was meant to be your nursery, I’m reminded that though I do not carry you with me, I will always carry you in my heart. I will never stop searching for glimpses of you – in the morning sun that warms my skin, in the pouring rain that drowns out my cries of grief, in the wind that brushes my cheeks and flows through my hair, I will always look for you. Until the day that we are finally reunited and I can gaze into your eyes and kiss your cheeks and hold you close for the rest of eternity.

Emma Rose, I will never stop loving you, my darling.

“Even when my strength is lost
I’ll praise You
Even when I have no song
I’ll praise You
Even when it’s hard to find the words
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise

Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again

Even when the fight seems lost
I’ll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I’ll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise”

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